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I have had a lot of experience in church, church the building and church the people. I was involved in a baptist church from when I was 16 through originally going to their youth group and suddenly found that because I believed in God that suddenly all these rules and regulations were thrust upon me and told that if I believed in God then these were a must so that's what I did. These were what we would consider laws don't muster, don't steal but then there were also what I would call the 'standard strict Christian rules,' drink in moderation, no sex before marriage, only be in a relationship with fellow believers, pray and read your bible every day and so on ..... Your commitment to the cause the has to grow, now not only attendance on Sundays and helping with teas and coffees is enough but now the evening service, Tuesday. Prayer meeting, kids groups or mid week meetings, painting the church on a Saturday which is all well and good if your free but if you don't go it's frowned upon, there are almost levels of Christians and you look down on the ones that do less you then you aspire to be the ones who do more!
I got in to this spiral, I agree that it is not just up to the pastors / ministers to do the work but I think people need to do it willingly and not judged and guilt tripped in to doing something, if they don't have the tremor can't do it let it go, don't bitch about it behind their back! The pressure gets to much and for me breaking point was when I fell in love but he was not a believer.
I fell in love and I fell hard but I knew it wouldn't be allowed, suddenly I was Eve in the garden of Eden with the forbidden fruit being asked to take a bite and I did! Our relationship developed in secret which I thought was necessary and only now looking back I can see how crazy it was but then came the point where I needed to decided my relationship or my church?
Thinking about it now makes me so upset and a little but angry, why should I have to choose? Especially when my boyfriend was nothing but supportive that I went to church even if he didn't however I knew my other love the church wouldn't see it like that. Meeting with the Pastor and his wife was the most intense meeting ever which consisted of them saying to me either give up your relationship or your involvement in this church (which incidentally consisted of half my income as I worked part time for them) I chose the latter and the worst part is I wasn't even surprised I had seen it happen before!
Looking back now on everything happened I still well up, I invested 6 years of my life loving that church and the people and it ended up them shunning me! I understand this is not all the church members but unfortunately most of the people I was closet to not everyone. Life is not black and white and the church needs to stop pretending that it is and some people need to be knocked off their pedestals, just because my boyfriend is not a Christian doesn't make me any less of one. I lost a lot but gained everything; freedom.
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| Happy holiday in Rhodes |
You will be pleased to know, unless you are one of 'them' that I have never been happier in a loving relationship where he knows my flaws and doesn't judge me, I go to a new church that loves me and my boyfriend and does not judge only welcomes us in. I'm just said that this is the path I had to take to be free and that all he hurt and upset happened on both sides of the story however I know God loves me, I am thankful God forgives because I know those who have treated me badly will need forgiveness for what they have done!
After the chaos of moving house it's back to reality, back to work but it's not all back to normal for me. Today marks the the day of officially starting college again by doing an NVQ level 5 in business management and leadership and I am terrified! I haven't studied properly in the conventional way since I was at school and that seems like decades ago even if it wasn't! Writing my first assignment this week I found myself struggling with the basics let alone anything else, how do I start this assignment? How can I express myself on paper? I don't know the correct business terms and I don't know what I'm really doing at work. The company is expanding rapidly in what we do and we are suddenly dipping our fingers in a lot of pies a large portion of this being my responsibility. This is why I'm doing the course to understand why I'm doing different tasks at work and hopefully getting the knowledge to do this better but at the moment work is a struggle. Working full time and then coming home to study is going to take it's toll and I am already feeling tired all the time.
It hasn't been all work and no play though. Bournemouth Air Show came and graced us with it's presence the only downside being it was far to busy and you couldn't move around the seafront without bumping in to a few people. It wasn't just the planes that came to town though, anyone who knows me knows that I love Owls, our flat is full of them in the shabby chic style, and there were people down in Bournemouth Gardens allowing you to hold an owl of your choice! For a fiver it was totally worth it and I chose a white owl that looked a bit like Hedwig from Harry Potter, another one of my obsessions!
Other than that not a lot has been happening but it seems we are all busy and never free. We have Duke Dumont coming up in a few weeks which is going to be awesome, another challenge i have set myself is to expand on the things we eat. Dave is very fussy but I'm getting bored of the same meals all the time so any good finds i will be posting the recipes on here for you, if i find any easy enough for me to cook!
